Tonight! On the CBS Late Movie! It’s director Oliver Stone’s first comedy,
presented in its original theatrical format.
“Are You Crazy?”
CLICK.
“Astro Undie
And her children!
“Fighting For
Clean diapers!
“Come with us through outer space
As we go into
Heaven.
“Astro Undie! That’s our
man!
Traitor of all nations!
“For our adventures, just be sure
And don’t switch off this station!”
CLICK.
“In Jerusalem, Israel, a devotion of the Via Crucis was
interrupted by a….HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
“Get that bastard off the desk!”
CLICK.
“Q-Bird Is the one beer to have
When you’re cookin’
Up some meat!
Hot dogs! Burgers!
Steaks or chops!
Q-Bird’s Taste just
Can’t be beat!”
CLICK.
“Seasons Greetings,
everyone!
Happy Viewing!
Have Some Fun!
Ring That Chime!
It’s Christmas Time!
On N-B-C!”
“Eat shit!”
“Booooooo!”
CLICK.
“What is your name, please?”
“S.H. Hitler.”
“What do the initials stand for?”
“Sieg Heil!”
“That’s enough, wiseguy!
Get your fucking Nazi butt outta here!
Because if you don’t, I’ll pile drive you so hard you are gonna wish you
were knocked off in some gas chamber in Auschwitz!”
“Well, fuck you, too!”
“Boy, you must’ve woken up on the wrong side of the bed!”
“No, I got up on the right side.
It’s my patience that got up on the wrong one.”
CLICK.
“The following program has been created and designed for the
sole purpose of the enjoyment and edification of the lads and lassies of
Erin. All others are advised to refrain
from viewing, as the Surgeon General of Her Majesty’s Secret Service has deemed
that the contents herein may be hazardous to your race, creed, condition,
color, age, sex, national origin, political persuasion or religious belief.”
CLICK.
“Tonight’s the night!”
“Tonight’s the night!”
“Tonight’s the night!”
“Yes, friends, tonight’s the night! At 12 Midnight Eastern Standard Time, Christ
will return to rapture his faithful out of the Earth and bring them into
Heaven. Only those who are caught up in
tonight’s rapture will be saved from the upcoming Antichristian era. Those who are left behind will be
automatically damned to Hell. And that
will happen when…”
SUDDENLY WITHOUT WARNING….
“We interrupt our normal programs to comply with civil defense
measures as requested by the White House.
This is an emergency action notification. I repeat, this is an emergency action
notification. Do not use your phone;
telephones are to be used for emergency use.
Important instructions will follow.”
CLICK. (I wonder who else
is doing it.)
“Well, some idiot in Chicago has sent a bogus emergency action
notification on one of the other channels. Well, we’re not gonna fall for
that!”
CLICK.
“Starring Baby New Year!
Baby Butterfly! And Baby
Unicorn! With Burt Reynolds! Art Carney!
H.R. Pufnstuff! Eddie
Albert! John Travolta! Ronnie Howard! Martha Raye!
Bobby Rydell! Paul Williams! Olivia Newton John! John Denver!
Cab Calloway! Chevy Chase! Phyllis
Diller! Garrett Morris! Cathy
Rigby! Santa Esmerelda! Albert Brooks! Vince McMahon! Aerosmith!
Bob Dylan! The Louis Brown
Orchestra! The Clancy Brothers and Tommy Makem! Frankie Avalon! Annette Funicello! Peter Cullen!
The Smothers Brothers! Jerry
Lewis! Albert Brooks! The Village People! Bob Costas!
Peter Cullen! Billy Van! Freeman King!
Terri Garr! Sly & The Family
Stone! KISS! And much, much more! Including a special appearance by Baby
Snowflake! Baby Ice Cream! Baby Toothache! And Baby Diaper Rash! Plus Marching Bands! Clowns! Floats!
Balloons! AND FIREWORKS!!”
That
was a precursor to the worldwide TV programs that would air on New Year’s Eve
20 years later.
“And when the ball falls, Baby New Year will be born!”
CLICK.
“BBC News. First the
headlines.”
CLICK.
“We’re all feeling the pressure here. 2 down, bases loaded, no score, bottom of the
9th. The winner will play
Cuba for the Gold Medal, the loser will play Japan for Bronze.
“Here’s the windup and the pitch…grounder, this is should be an
easy out for his Royal Highness the Prince of Wales….OH, NO! Dropped between his legs! Great Britain lose to the USA! Great Britain lose to the USA! Oh, my God!
All 4 American runs are running across Home Plate! What the hell was he thinking?”
CLICK.
“Who put the hand grenade
In Mrs. Murphy’s chowder?
Nobody answered
So we shouted really louder!”
CLICK.
“You can boogie to disco!
Love that disco sound!
Move up your body!
Spin it all around!
But don’t, don’t, don’t
get comfortable!
Oh, no!
Don’t, don’t, don’t
Get comfortable!
Oh, no no!
It’s the Stars on 45,
And they’re turning in your mind!
Like “We Can Work It Out!”
Remember “Twist and….”
CLICK.
“This is Bob Costas with reason #3 of ‘Why You Shouldn’t Watch
Baby New Year’s Spectacular’ on New Year’s Eve.
Last year, when the live transmission from the Waldorf Astoria got
interrupted, we saw an animated Baby New Year clapping her hands and stamping
her left on the floor. As this went on,
we heard her yelling, and I quote:
“Clap your hands
And stamp your feet!
Baby New Year
Can’t be beat!
“This
continued until 1:23 a.m. Eastern Time when the live picture appeared of a
bunch of men carrying her in a cage yelling, ‘Baby New Year Will Sue!’” Now this wasn’t something that was supposed
to be shown on TV, but…”
CLICK.
“Drink
you ba-ba, ya bastard!”
“Baby
Hitler’s got him on the ropes as he beats the stuffings out of him and feeds
him a ba-ba full of booze!”
“Well,
you can say one thing-this guy ain’t got any more game! His game just got up and went.”
“Nice,
warm milk. Laced with beer!”
“Oh,
god! Charlie’s just spat his milk out
and gotten free from the ropes!”
“Oh,
no!”
“He’s
giving the Crappler move…and Baby Hitler’s down…1…2…3! It’s over!”
“Here’s
your winner, Charlie O’Reilly!”
“That
goddamned Irish man!”
“Shut
up, Jerry!”
“WA
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”
CLICK.
“More
after this!”
“THIS
IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!”
“A
dream is a wish
Your heart make
When
you use
Anabolic steroids!
They
help you put on
Great muscles
And
give you lotsa
Get up and go!”
“What
the devil are you trying to do? Don’t
you know that anabolic steroids cause cancer, ruin your liver, stunt your
growth, and lead to sexually transmitted diseases? Look, you guys. People who use anabolic steroids never see
their dreams come true. You know better
about that!”
“Aw,
come on, Cinderelly!”
“Hey,
kids. There are many things you can do
today. Doing drugs isn’t one of
‘em. Please say no to drugs and say yes
to your dreams. Okay? Thank you.”
“THIS
HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!”
“And
now, back to ‘Boom Boom Boom!’”
CLICK.
“…between
the frequencies of 1,003 and 1,009 megahertz.
Take A Giant Step TV maintains business offices and studios on the
corner of 47th. Street and Broadway in the heart of New York City,
with transmitters on the Garden State Parkway in Newark, New Jersey.
“The
programs of Take A Giant Step TV are intended for home reception, and no other
use may be made whatsoever. No ands, ifs
or buts about it. I should remind you
that we resume this morning at 6 a.m. with ABC World News This Morning,
followed by the Family Rosary at 6:15, the Latin Mass at 6:30, and Good
Morning, Big Apple at 7. And tomorrow’s
episode will be called ‘The New Boy At School!’ What do you know about that?
“And
remember, Take A Giant Step TV’s digital channels are with you all night long.
On TAGS.2, it’s Firebomb Action Channel, with the best in uncut action
films. On TAGS.3, check out Kiddie Luau,
with classic and contemporary cartoons, variety shows and prizes galore. And on TAGS.4, it’s Metal Madness, your home
for 24/7 heavy metal and hardcore punk.
“This
is Don Maxwell speaking for Take A Giant Step TV, now in its 4th.
Decade as the new kid on your New York TV block, wishing you a good night. Ladies and gentlemen, our national anthem. Follow The Bouncing Ball!”
“Forward,
all you Germans!!”
“March For The Cause Of Hitler!”
“CUT! That’s not the right national anthem! And in fact, it’s a German Fascist song.”
“Sieg
Heil!”
“Seig
Heil My Ass! You’re fired! GET OUT!”
CLICK.
“You
won’t believe your eyes when you see the season finale of Sunday Best. NBC Sunday, followed by the premiere of
Sunday Night Kickball! This Summer, NBC
is your Kind Of Place!”
CLICK.
“So
come and join us
All you kids
For
lots of fun
And laughter
As
Astro Undie
And Her Girls
Get
All The Crooks
They’re After!
Astro
Undie!
That’s Our Man!
Traitor
Of
All Nations!
For
Our Adventures,
Just Be Sure
And
Don’t Switch Off
This Station!”
That’s
not very nice. That’s not very nice.
CLICK!
“Baby
New Year Will Sue! Baby New Year Will
Sue!”
CLICK!
“This
one you can’t sing rowdy. It’s a love
song. ‘Red Is The Rose That In Yonder
Garden Grows.’”
“How
‘bout ‘God Bless England?’”
“Get
that fat slob outta here.”
CLICK!
“Hi,
fatso!”
SFX:
Slapping across the face, crying.
“How
dare you call that man fatso! You have
no right to do that! I’m very upset with
you!”
CLICK! (I can’t stand to see a grown man
suffer! Unless, of course, he insults an
overweight man.)
“CALL
THE LAW OFFICES OF HITLER AND GOERING AT…”
CLICK.
“That’s
right! You can bet on all of today’s
gridiron action by calling 1-900-YOU-LOSE!
$293.55 for the first 3 minutes, $51.99 each additional minute!”
CLICK!
“Right
now at No Honkeys Allowed, you can save on an array of crap you’ll have a hard
time using around the house…”
CLICK.
“I’m
Popeye the Sailor Man!
I Live In A Garbage Can!
I
fight to the finish
Cause I eat me Spinach!”
CLICK.
“And
now you have to earn our trust all over again!”
“WAAAAAAA!”
“Why
can’t anything good happen without it being tainted by something bad?!”
CLICK!
“Everyone
of you hates everyone of us and we hate you right back! Let’s get at it!”
“Sure!”
“Here
we go!”
“Hold
it!”
“Tony! Get with the gang!”
“Let’s
stop this fight before someone gets killed!”
“Looks
like he’s got the guts to fight his own battles.”
“We
haven’t got a battle.”
“Get
with the gang, you yellow bodied Mic bastard!”
“Somebody
stop him!”
“Keep
outta this!”
CLICK.
“Get
up into the attic! You’re on punishment
tonight!”
“Please! Let me stay in my room…let go of me!”
“GET
UP INTO THE ATTIC! YOU’RE STAYING UP
THERE UNTIL 6 O’CLOCK TOMORROW MORNING!”
Click.
“As
this heart-rending episode begins, we find ourselves inside the hideout of
Astro-Undie and the American Nappy Party!
Let’s listen.”
SFX:
Phone ringing.
“WHAT
DO YOU WANT…I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL...”
SFX:
Gunshots.
“AAAAAAAGHHH!”
SFX:
Explosions.
“YOU
DESTROYED BABY HITLER! YOU HAVE A SIN ON
YOUR SOUL!”
CLICK.
“Richard,
come downstairs.”
“Dad?”
“I
hope this night in the attic has taught you something, Mister! If you ever insult anyone in this town again,
I’ll kill you! I swear to God I’ll kill
you! And I hope you rot in Hell
forever!”
“But
Richard, today’s a new day and you can use it as a chance to redeem
yourself. Now, get into the shower and
I’ll get your breakfast and lunch ready.”
“Richard…are
you…”
“This
is my son Richard. He’s the man who
called you fatso last night!”
“NOOO!”
SFX:
Punching and kicking.
“Next
time, you’re getting worse! How dare you
call me ‘Fatso!’ You’re a piece of
shit!”
“That’s
enough!”
CLICK.
(The bastard got what he deserved.)
“I’ve
yet to see Dan Cupid sign an autograph or participate in a charitable event
ever since he joined General Duncoff’s American Nappy…”
“Oh,
no! Slipped on the top rope and Johnny
McNulty’s put him down!”
“Your
winner and new heavyweight champion, Johnny McNulty!”
“God
damn it! Cupid, you son of a bitch!”
CLICK.
“So
what did he do to you, son?”
“Dad
had this man beat me outside of my bathroom this morning after I spent a night
in their for calling him ‘Fatso.’”
“You’re
lucky you’re not dead. Step outside and
we’ll finish this.”
“Now,
gentlemen, can’t we settle this peacefully?”
“Hell,
No!!”
SFX:
Punch.
“YOU
BASTARD! WAIT’LL I STRAIGHTEN YOU OUT,
YOU ASSHOLE!”
CLICK.
“Change
your life. Save your life! You’re the most important person you
have. If you don’t do it, who will?
CLICK.
“K-Ticks
presents a once in a lifetime TV offer.
Adolph Hitler Sings The Beatles!!”
“I AM ZEE EGMAN!"
"HEIL!"
"I AM ZEE EGGMAN!"
"HEIL!"
"I AM ZEE WALRUS!"
"AAACHO! AAACHO!"
"I AM ZEE EGGMAN!"
"HEIL!"
"I AM ZEE WALRUS!"
"AAACHO! AAACHO!"
“Which
you can’t understand because he’s got AIDS and Swine Flu at the same time!”
CLICK.
“Well, that’s the end of broadcasting for
today on Dickhead TV1. Very shortly,
Radio Hitstack will be joining NBC Sports Radio for the rest of the night, but
from everybody at Broadcasting Basement in Dorchester, Massachusetts, USA, Good
night to you.”
CLICK.
“Y arranca el partido de medianoche, que
esta noche tiene Mexico enfrentando a Los Estados Unidos aqui en Las
Vegas! Y esta primer tiempo llega a
ustedes gracias a Coors Light!”
CLICK.
